My friend Robin commented on how we seem to have the division of labor thing figured out well in our household. First, let me tell you that it wasn't easy. Having not lived together before, we were quite inexperienced in cohabitation, doling out the chores and tasks, or even merely communicating with each other, to begin with. Add the fact that we had just finished planning my father's funeral, and then I was put on bedrest for the last 7 weeks of my pregnancy, and I couldn't do any household chores. And then, there was a husband who was happy that I gave birth because I could "finally do more stuff around the house" (Or so he thought). Add round-the-clock exclusive breastfeeding, no sleep, hence no energy to cook, clean, or change clothes. I figured out how to do laundry when I could, go grocery shopping when I could, cook dinner, and clean and organize the house when I could and felt like it. But, these things were definitely not the priority. Not much is when you're sleep deprived, except for sleep itself. When I finally went back to work, when Chase was nearly 7 months, I knew that we had to define our roles, as far as the division of labor goes that is. After all, there was absolutely no way I was going to wake up earlier than my husband, get the baby ready, eat breakfast, pack both of our lunches and our things, AND leave the house before my husband even wakes up, drop baby off at the sitters' for the day, get to work after my "contracted time" as is, work half the day (which is really 3/4 of the school day anyway), pick the baby up from the sitters', then take care of the baby, while simultaneously trying to do the "laundry when I could, go(ing) grocery shopping when I could, cook(ing) dinner, and clean(ing) and organize(ing) the house when I could" (and felt like it), on top of being the most sleep deprived in the household.
Now that Chase is older and we have settled into more of a routine, Chris is a lot more helpful around the house. He always does the laundry, makes me a lunch when he remembers, gets bulk groceries from Sam's or Costco, and instead of taking a nap when he comes home from work, he takes Chase so that I can get a break.
Our daily routine is something like this:
3:00 am Chase usually wakes up around this time and I go in his room to nurse him or put him back down to sleep. If he wakes up after this hour, I have Chris tend to him if it bothers him.
6:00 am Chase wakes up and plays in his crib.
6:30 am I wake up, change and nurse Chase and then get ready for work, make breakfast (and if I have time, eat it), while Chase is playing on the floor or in the bathroom with me. If it really gets unmanageable to watch Chase, like preventing him from playing with the water in the toilet, then I wake Chris up to tend to the baby so that I can finish getting Chase's lunch packed, my lunch packed, my breakfast made, and all my stuff together. (On Saturdays and Sundays, after I nurse Chase, I leave to go to 7 am yoga and wake up Chris to leave baby with him. Chris plays with him, changes his diaper, and feeds him breakfast or sometimes takes him to the Farmers' Market. I get home from yoga by 9 am.)
7:15 - 7:30 am I drop Chase off at the Halsalls (M/F) or Miya's (TWTh)
7:45 - 8 am Get to school. Finish eating my breakfast and get ready for the day.
Chris wakes up and gets ready for work and heads to work by 8:30 am.
8:15 - 12:35 Teaching kindergartners through 6th graders, with no prep time and one morning recess (where I sit at my desk and pump the entire time). I try to eat my lunch throughout the morning if I can, or in the car on my way to pick up Chase.
12:35 - 1 pm Use the bathroom. Paperwork and prep and talk to teacher.
1:00 - 2:00 pm Pick up Chase
3:00 pm I eat lunch once we get home
2:00 - 6:00 pm Run errands, entertain Chase (who doesn't really nap except for in the car), grocery shop, prep and cook dinner, try to take a nap.
6:00 pm Chris gets home from work and takes Chase up to the park to play. On Tuesdays, I go to 6:30 pm yoga. Otherwise, I clean up the house or the floors, finish cooking dinner, prepare Chase's food, take a shower, check email, do schoolwork, etc.
6:45-7:30 pm Chris feeds Chase dinner and bathes him
7:30 pm I nurse Chase and put him to bed in his crib
8:00 pm Chris and I eat dinner. On days that I haven't had time to cook anything, or on Tuesdays when I go to yoga, Chris cooks something while I'm nursing Chase and putting him to bed.
8:00 - 10:30 pm We watch TV and relax,shower and do school work. Chris washes my pump stuff, collects the garbage, prepares my lunch, and walks everything upstairs to lessen my load for the next morning.
10:30 pm Chris goes to bed.
10:30 - 11:30 pm I clean the kitchen and the living room, check email, do school work on the computer, pay bills/balance checkbook, and have quiet time for myself
11:30 pm I dream nurse Chase (nurse him while he's in a slumber). Then, I go to bed.
Although there are still moments when we have the argument that always ends with, "You'll just never truly know what it's like to be a mom", Chris is definitely a hands-on Daddy and definitely doing more to help me stay sane and get more sleep. We've defined our roles more when it comes to chores around the house. And, I've learned to say "Please" and "Thank You" more often, rather than "Why did you do it like THAT?" or "Are you going to leave it like THAT?" or "Are you going to put THAT THERE?". I've become more accustomed to piles of clothes (both dirty and clean) lying all over the house and chasing and killing the cockroaches in the kitchen and bathroom in the middle of the night. He appreciates when I do have dinner ready or if I do a load of laundry by the time he comes home from work, but I don't stress out about it. After all, if it's not done....it's just not...because I definitely do my share around the household.
I read an outrageous letter to Carolyn Hax in the newspaper recently. It caught my eye because it was exactly what mothers/wives rant about when it comes to their husbands not understanding how much time and energy it takes to take care of a baby: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/05/16/AR2008051601087.html
I like when she said this in response to the husband,
If it's the former and she's raising your son well, that demands a serious examination of your priorities. Someone not known for pulling her weight is doing right by your child, the most demanding and, arguably, consequential job in your household. Isn't that a cue to enumerate one's blessings and accept the mess, at least till your son is in school?
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