Tuesday, 20 February 2007
Weddings are supposed to be happy, joyous times. But, that day in late November 2004, when I stood with hair and makeup done and walked down the aisle as a bridesmaid for my cousin’s wedding, was more of an emotional time for me. Not because I was the type to get emotional at weddings. (In fact, if you ask any of my friends, I am not the kind of gal that wears her heart on her sleeve.) But, I was emotional that day because, as I turned around to face the guests, I did not see my father standing there. As I searched for him, in the distance, I saw him struggling to get up and struggling to walk towards the lawn where the ceremony was taking place. By the time my brother was able to get a wheelchair from the hotel, my father had missed the entire wedding ceremony. That moment was a rude awakening for me, as I realized the implications of my father’s recently diagnosed disease. The previous month, in October 2004, my father was diagnosed with Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis (also known as Lou Gherig’s Disease). In that moment in time, at my cousin’s wedding, I felt emotionally devastated, knowing that ALS is a terminal disease; and as my uncle walked my cousin down the aisle, I could not help but think that my father would never be able to walk me down the aisle. I remember leaving after the wedding to go back to my teaching job in Thailand, after having many emotional talks with my father about how he had hoped he would see me get married and have children, but now, we weren’t quite sure what the future held for him.
At the time, I had been teaching English in Thailand. As my father’s disease progressed, I soon decided that although I loved my year living overseas, I would move back to Seattle (where I spent the past 11 years) to get my things, then move back home to Hawai’i to help the family care for Dad and to spend quality time with him. It’s been almost two years since I’ve moved back home to Hawai’i, adjusted to local life again, and learned the routine of lifting, transferring, bathing, feeding, and caring for my father. I have seen his condition deteriorate from walking with a walker when I first moved home, to being completely wheelchair bound, to now being totally incapacitated and dependent 24 hours a day on a bi-pap machine to help him to breathe, eat, and talk. Working half-time as an elementary school teacher at Kahala Elementary School and caregiving for my father the other half of the time made dating difficult. I tried everything from friends setting me up to online dating, but was convinced that I did not have enough time for dating and should just concentrate on my time left with my father.
That is, until I was a bridesmaid in another wedding this past September for a longtime childhood friend from elementary school (in fact the same one I currently teach at.) We had grown up going to and working at Kahala Summer Fun, and she candidly reminded me that she had invited Chris Halsall to the wedding too. Chris was also a Summer Fun brat and someone who I had even gone out with a few times before I ended up moving to Seattle. Well, turns out, I was horribly sick that weekend of the wedding. I had laryngitis and bronchitis and had already been on antibiotics for a week. My eyes were bloodshot from the makeup running in my eyes, and by the end of the wedding reception, I looked like a wreck!
As I was waiting in line for pupu and catching up with friends, the familiar Chris Halsall came by to say hi. Although I hadn’t talked to him in nearly 12 years since I had been on the mainland, he knew through mutual friends about my dad and asked how he was doing. We caught up a little bit about work and old friends and of course I slipped in the magic question, “So are you married?”, assuming that most thirty-somethings were, as all of my friends were. But, he wasn’t.
I didn’t see him for the rest of the night, until he came to say goodbye before he left the reception. A coworker of his dropped me off at home, and I asked if he could give Chris a note. Inside the note was my phone number and email, and I just told him that we should catch up sometime. Turns out, the note left on his timecard was a good move because that turned into our first date. Our first date was more like a familiar one, as we felt so comfortable with each other, like we had known each other forever. In fact, we actually did, as we figured out that we had probably first met when I was 10 years old and he was 14 years old.
We went hiking at Aiea Loop trail and had lunch at a neighborhood Korean restaurant. I remember catching myself picking my teeth during lunch and saying, “Oh, sorry, how rude.” But, Chris just looked at me and said, “Tanya, I’ve known you forever. You can pick your teeth.” I laughed and smiled because it was nice to be so comfortable with someone.
And, after about a month of dating, we both knew that this was it. We both had strong family values, no drama, we shared the same sense of humor, and we enjoyed each other’s company. Furthermore, Chris was there to support me through the trials and tribulations of caregiving for my father, whose condition was quickly declining in December. My family decided to get the help of Hospice Hawai’i to assist with my father’s care by Christmas time. Around that same time, my dad said that if we wanted him to be a part of a wedding, then, we better quickly have one. Being a school teacher, I was thinking of summer or the next big vacation time we’d have. But, my dad said he didn’t think he’d make it that far and that we should have it in January or February. Yikes!
So, after New Year’s, I started planning, and 5 weeks later, the date arrived. My dad wanted to invite his close friends, as he thought this would be the last time he’ll see them. Our “small” wedding grew to a size of about 75 people. We picked a date, with a long weekend, and then reserved and planned all the little details from there. Having been a bridesmaid in about five weddings myself, I knew what to plan for, but it was still stressful trying to do everything (and please everyone) in five weeks. This past Saturday, on February 17th, 2007, Chris and I exchanged vows at Kamehameha Schools Bishop Memorial Chapel. Then we had a reception for family and close friends at Wai’oli Tea Room in Manoa. Everything turned out beautifully, and it was a very emotionally draining wedding. The moment I walked down the aisle holding my father’s lifeless hand (as ALS has robbed his entire body of all of its muscles), with my brother pushing his wheelchair and the bi-pap machine, powered by a portable car battery, all of my bridesmaids and many friends and family started crying. More tears were shed at the reception as well as both family and friends reflected on how special it was that my father could be there.
Some people said, “Oh how romantic! You’re getting married near Valentine’s Day.” But, really, the date was insignificant. The significance lies in the fact that my father could be there, to “walk” me down the aisle. My father has had ALS for a little over two years now. Most live with the disease for three to six years after prognosis, and without this bi-pap machine he currently uses, the doctor says he would probably have only weeks more since his respiratory condition is so poor. Although I’m not sure how much longer he will be in our lives, I hope that he will hold on to see his first grandchild. Most important to me was that my father got to see his “little princess” get married, and I got to hold my father’s hand as he led me down the aisle to my new husband. And now I am Mrs. Tanya Kolina Mau Halsall.
