Lunchtime Visit

Wednesday, 11 October 2006

Dad had some visitors this afternoon. Uncle Gary brought over lunch, and my dad's friend Dave Chock came brought over some pork hash to add to the spread. We had to sit close to Dad to hear him speak. After Gary went back to work, Dave took over the tool adjacent to my dad's recliner and they continued to talk about people they knew and retirement plans. Uncle Jimmy called and chatted with the both of them on speakerphone. It was nice to see them all chatting away.

At one point we started talking about ventilators and Dad asked for my opinion. I told him that it's ultimately his decision, even though I think that there's no harm in trying the noninvasive route before a trach. After his friend left, Dad and I had a heart to heart talk. I had been reading an article someone sent on the Yahoo! Groups 'Living with ALS' chat room that I often visit, and wanted Dad to read what she had to say about ventilation. Dad stopped me to say he wasn't interested in reading it, and instead reminded me of his current condition. He is still adamant about not wanting to be vented.

"I've had a good life," he said. "I have two great kids....I don't feel like I'm missing out on much."

Of course there's grandkids he won't see, but even with all the pros and the cons of the ventilator, he doesn't like feeling like he's feeling now..."junk" as he simply said. "I don't like feeling junk....I cannot eat very much. I cannot drink much. I just feel junk."

All I could do was hold his hand, cry, give him a hug, and tell him that I love him. "Don't be sad for me", he said, as tears streamed down my face.

He's been gasping for air at times. The shower routine (where we used to have most of our 'conversing') is now a cautious time as I constantly look to his face for warning signs of how he's feeling and what he needs. All the while, the mucous increases in the back of his throat. And he cannot cough it out. He needs to keep drinking water and stay hydrated. But, even taking a sip from a straw is difficult, as it requires him to close his mouth and take a breath -- a breath that is now not as strong as before.

He is grateful for his friends, friends like Dave Chock, who spent the afternoon at the house today. They talked and laughed; and at the end of the day, before he left some licee (money envelope) with money inside for my dad and I captured a picture of them together, Dave gave my Dad a hug and a kiss on the forehead and told him that he loved him. Friends like that, and lunchtime visits, are truly precious.