Friday, 16 March 2007
Figuring out where you want to spend your last remaining days is never an easy task.
My stepmom wants to re-evaluate our current caregiving schedule and situation. She is burnt out physically and emotionally taking care of my dad. The hospice respite we had Dad in for one week was fine, except that we can only access that service every 30 days.
Dad says that he feels like he is sleeping a lot more lately, which could mean he is lacking oxygen, which could mean that the bi-pap machine is not working as effectively as it should. There is one more level it can be pumped up to, which in essence would force more air into him. But, then after that...that would be it. He would need to survive on that until he is no longer able to.
For long-term stays, hospice will consider each patient on a case by case basis. Although they don't typically accept the bi-pap machine, they do see it as comfort care and can re-evaluate him if he is ready to consider long-term care with hospice as an option. Dad talked to my brother and I today about his options. If my stepmom can no longer care for him, then he will either come home with us or go into a hospice. We all know that he prefers to die at home, not in a hospice facility. Our door is always open, but it is logistically difficult, since we live on the side of a mountain, 85 stairs from the car and driveway. It would mean my brother would have to carry my 160 pound, 6 foot one dad down the stairs. It would also mean that Dad would pretty much be stuck at our house 24/7 and not be able to leave the house to go out to restaurants or to watch his stepdaughter play varsity basketball. And it would mean that my brother and I would be responsible for his care, 24/7.
This week, Dad wanted us to send away for price lists for mortuary fees. We've always known he wants to be cremated. He joked before (or perhaps he wasn't joking) that when he gets cremated, we can each take some; Jay can throw some on the golf courses and in the ocean, and then I can keep some for myself. We got the first list of prices today, and I joked with Dad that the cremation container costs range from cardboard ones for $75 to cherry ones for over $3,000. He said, "Well, I'm worth it aren't I?". I replied, jokingly of course, "How about a Rubbermaid tupperware I can get from home for free-99?"
Even though we have to confront difficult issues during difficult times, it's important that we do, and that we know what Dad wants. We are fortunate that Dad has all of his mental faculties intact so that he is able to communicate to us what he really wants.
Still, there are many implications for any decision that we make as a family. In any case, it is not an easy task.
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Hi Tanya ~ This is a tough time for you and your family, which I can sure relate to, having gone through some of it when my late husband was ill and had to be in Hospice (St. Francis) for nearly 3 months because he felt he needed the constant availability of medical staff for pain medication and because it was otherwise only the 2 of us and a couple of close friends, and I couldn't lift him or get him up and down our many stairs safely by myself. I'm glad you and your brother and Bernice are able to discuss the decision with John so all options may be addressed and fears faced in such a way there is mutual support. That was so important to us, even though he ended up having to stay in the facility and I just stayed with him most of the time till the end.
You could actually get a special box for your dad's ashes (the portion you keep) from a custom source or a gallery, maybe for less than the cherry one and then take it to the mortuary and they have authority to install your portion of ashes to keep. I did that ~ some of Greg's ashes are in Colma, CA in our Monk-family niche in a lovely garden cemetary; the others are here with me in my home in a special koa and rosewood box that my close friend and now partner Alan, made for Greg's ashes with Greg's blessing weeks before he died. The galleries around town do have some beautiful boxes made from local woods. It feels very good and right to have his ashes on a special shelf in my apartment where I also have photos and some of his fun "toys" such as a model truck he decorated for a miniature train set, etc., too.
Anyway, we send you much love and aloha as you face these difficult times. Let your sharing of humor help carry you through (a Tupperware box!....I'm sure that cracked John up!).
Love, Roz and Alan
p.s. We see Ralf at UH Mens Volleyball matches a lot. We didn't get to talk with him tonight, but it was good to see the team beat Northridge. Hope your Dad got to watch the game on TV.
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