Sunday, 29 April 2007
T:
While putting together this story, Jay and I marveled at the fact that Dad raised us differently, told us different things, and had different expectations from us. Even so, Dad loved us unconditionally, supported us through everything, and always wanted us to be the best people we could be. So we thought we’d share some of the lessons we will carry with us for the rest of our lives and hopefully pass on to our children….as a reflection of what a wonderful man our father was.
(Growing Up Phase)…
T:
Growing up in a household of boys, our lives pretty much revolved around Dad’s and Jays sporting activities. Although I didn’t quite turn out to be the athletic daughter that he’d wanted, he did get that later in life with Whitney and Lindsey. However, he was able to pass along other valuable skills, like driving stick up and down our hill in our old VW bug, or learning how to tie a pretty good fishhook. He even convinced me to take up kayaking in high school, another of his leisurely activities. Maybe he was just trying to groom me so that I could paddle the kayak, while he sat on the back and fished.
Dad was always protective of me, as a father would be for his daughter. From the time I was 11 and Jay was 9, he single handedly raised us both. No matter how late it was, I would walk by his room quietly, after a night out, and I would hear, “Hi Tanya.” This lasted from high school through college. Raising us single-handedly, he had to go through all the teenage things with me. But the best was the time was one night when I discovered I had gotten my period. Through the bathroom door, I told Dad, “I think I got my period.” All flustered, he said, “Uh, okay. I’ll be right back.” And he rushed down to 7-11,, knocked on the bathroom door later and passed me a bag. I remember he had bought me these huge super duper pads, not knowing what to buy. I used them anyway, but those were just the beginnings of raising a teenage daughter.
J:
Well I also remember my dad always waiting up for me, although I think I came home a bit later than my sister. And I know a few times I was probably out doing some things that I probably shouldn’t have been doing at my age. He’d call me into his room to talk, and I thought for sure I’d be in trouble, but he never did question me about what I was doing, he’d was just tell me that he was happy that I was home safely. But that’s how he always was with me, just there being supportive about everything. I think we shared a kind of free spirit, and he wanted me to experience life for myself, and figure it out along the way.
T:
Dad wanted me to become more independent, more assertive, and come into my own. Though he let me play hooky from school a few times when I was stressed out over writing a paper or project, he encouraged me to go away to school, to meet new people, to travel the world…..but to come back home afterwards too. Dad always supported me exploring the world, sending me off to Kamehameha to explore my Hawaiian culture, camping in the summers, sending me to Europe with my World History class in high school (even though he had never been to Europe himself), and sending me away to college. I remember that he encouraged me to go away to school, and when I did, he reminded me not to only hang out with Hawaii people, but to meet others. When all my friend’s parents were calling them and telling them they hoped they were home studying, Dad was telling me, he hoped I wasn’t just studying, but going out partying and enjoying college life. I stayed in Seattle for 11 years, a little longer than he expected, and he kept sending me news clippings about all the teaching jobs available in Hawaii. I soon went off to travel Southeast Asia and then live and teach in Thailand. By that point, I think he had accepted that I wasn’t coming home for awhile (but soon enough, when I found out Dad was diagnosed with ALS, I moved home to spend time with him and help take care of him). During my time away and even today, I still shared my love of photography and meeting new people. Whenever I captured a beautiful sunset or a lighthouse like my dad loved, or different cultures and people, I shared it with Dad. After all, I got my eye for photography from Dad. And, now I’ve turned into him, carrying a camera with me everywhere I go.
J:
He always liked collecting quotes and doing crosswords. When we were growing up, he cut out the “Today’s Thought” and, along with the dinner recipes, he had them all over the refrigerator. He was either trying to inspire us through Rev. Osumi, or trying to get us to cook more at home. Well either way it worked, cause now my sister likes to collect quotes, and we both like to cook…and after the past few years of writing down the letters for him in those boxes, we both enjoy doing crossword puzzles too and would revel when we could get more clues than him. A couple of months ago, Dave Au came and visited and commented on how he hoped his own kids would take care of him if he ever got sick like Dad. Dad reassured him, saying “They will. You’ve got to share the good and share the bad.” Then, he looked over at my sister and said write that quote down for my eulogy.
(Caregiving Phase)…
T:
From the day he sat us down to tell us about his ALS diagnosis, Dad was strong enough to say that he’s had a good life. He had done the research already, and knew what the disease involved. He briefly explained to us what was going to happen, and said that he was happy that we were both grown up, and that he didn’t have to worry about us. But, we began to worry about him because this meant losing all the active things he so loved to do.
J:
This is the point in our lives where everything got flipped around on us, and our family roles changed a bit. We went from having our smooth babies butt cleaned by him to cleaning not so smooth butt. From being carried down our stairs to carrying him down our stairs. Although he was a bit heavier then either of us ever were. Yet through all of this little role reversal, still managed to be a father, and find ways to teach us things, or comment about how we should be doing things. Because he was a very proud stubborn man, it took a lot for him to accept the way his life had changed. But he made the change, and accepted what life threw at him. And was just beginning to teach us some of the best lessons in life any person could teach.
T:
Although Dad was laid back and always had a sense of humor, he was still a realist. When I took Dad to the Academy of Arts for the monthly Art After Dark event on a Friday night last July, he wanted me to take a picture of the Four Noble Truths on display, which stated that one must suffer, which is caused by craving and desires. "To end suffering completely, one must remove desire, ill will and ignorance." I know we often wondered why such a healthy, strong athlete like Dad had been afflicted with ALS. But, he always remained generous and kind to others, never wanted any sympathy, and was very humble throughout.
Eight months ago, as his condition was worsening, Dad told me, "I'm not afraid of leaving this earth." But, he did tell me that he wished he could see me get married and have grandchildren. He even payed for a dating service, hoping to speed the process up, but that plan didn’t work out, I am so glad that a couple months ago, I got to hold my father’s hand as he led me down the aisle to my new husband Chris. And, although I had hoped he would hold on a little bit longer to see the baby, it always brought me great joy, even in his last few days, to put Dad’s hand on my belly so he could feel his first grandchild move. In fact, he recently joked that I should call the baby “Butthead” since it always tends to stick its butt out, but like a true Mau, the baby moves around mainly during and after I eat! That always made Dad smile.
J:
Although we both were raised differently, based on our personalities and being a boy and a girl, we both learned important values and lessons from Dad, which we will proudly carry with us for the rest of our lives.
1) Be humble, be positive.
2) Always remember where you came from and cherish your family.
3) Live life day by day to the fullest, never taking the little things for granted…….
T:
Things that used to matter just didn’t matter so much anymore. And the things and people that DO matter in my life, I am ever so grateful for. Living life to its fullest (and knowing what makes it full) has never been so important to me than it is now.
Never forget what's important in life, and remember to cherish the moments and tell those people that you care. Everything happens for a reason, and sometimes things don't turn out the way you plan or envision them, but your heart will always guide you through.
So, my father and I share with you this quote (author unknown)...
"Yesterday is already a dream,
And tomorrow is only a vision.
But today, well-lived,
makes every yesterday
a dream of happiness,
and every tomorrow
a vision of hope."
(Thank You’s)
T:
Dad always told me that in his eulogy, he wanted me to thank the people that visited him and supported him during his illness. Thank you to Bernice for being there as his wife and caretaker for the last couple of years, through all the difficulties and struggles, you filled a void that we could never fill, and to all of bernie’s family for taking him in with open arms. He also wanted to thank the Parks and Rec gang (Garry, Keora, Barbara, Howard, Rodney, Todd, and Roger) who came and brought him lunch once a month, sharing his favorite treats, like won ton min and dim sum, and talking shop or watching the Final Four. When Dad took a turn for the worse, Keora and Garry still came by and visited with Dad, even if his voice was failing and he couldn’t eat as much, just to see him smile. Thanks to Don Akiyama for taking him out to cruise around in his wheelchair and get a good tan. Thanks to Uncle Gary who has always been there for Dad, also sharing his love for food with different plate lunches and who helped take on the role of caregiving when I needed help to lift and transfer Dad. Thanks also to Uncle Jimmy, who shared his love of sports with Dad, and spent much of the past year with Dad to reminisce, eat pho, and just hang out. Thanks to Pauline for taking such good care of my father and for singing such beautiful songs today. And to Phillip and the other hospice volunteers for spending time with Dad, whether doing crossword puzzles with him or flipping the newspaper for him. Thanks to Dave Au for always providing us with wonderful pictures to remember our father.
T:
Thank you to the girls at MDA, and the ALS support group. The caregivers who shared information and support, and to the clients who spent time and shared thoughts with Dad, as they watched their bodies deteriorate. To see them comfort each other in times of physical weakness, yet to see them full of so much emotional strength. If I haven't already learned many lessons over these past few years, I am certainly learning them now, learning how to value my friendships, family, and the people around me, learning how to forgive and let go of mistakes made in my past, learning how to live each day to its fullest... In TV show (Dad and I watched a lot of TV together the past few years) a character asks, "Why do people have to die?" and the main character responds by saying that it's "so others know the importance of life". Most important to me, Dad taught me HOW TO LIVE.
J:
Thanks to everybody who came out today to help celebrate my father’s life. My father can be described as many things, an athlete, a good father, a loving husband, but I think the best way to describe him is as a person filled with aloha. He always had a smile on his face. Whether at work, at home, or out at a game, he treated everyone with kindness and respect. He always taught us to treat others like we would want to be treated. And, he never asked for anything in return. Even in his last days, when his face muscles got weaker, somehow he‘d still pull off a smile. He wasn’t a person who ever needed the glory or the spotlight, yet throughout his life, he was recognized and thanked for his many good deeds, from work to being the mau club president, to UH alumni games, and even in the paper a couple of times. I think the most important thing my father taught me was to just be a good person, and enjoy life. He didn’t necessarily tell me how to do it, but he showed me through his character, and the way he treated everybody. Fairly and equally no matter what. The last couple of years when my father was stricken with ALS, many of these wonderful qualities were even more apparent. Not only did I see the incredible strength and courage in him while living with a horrible disease. I got to see the meaning of friendship from others, in the way people took time out of their lives to spend some time with my father. And when they came, they came to just to be there, and be around him, and sort of repay him for all the kindness and loyalty that he’s shown them over the years.
Some people pass quickly and suddenly, and other people pass slowly. I’ve always wondered which way is a better way to go. And although the end of my father’s life was three years of a slowly degenerating disease, it was also three years of time well spent with loved ones and friends. Time well spent cherishing every little moment we had left with him. And as much as it hurt to see him slowly lose the ability to move, we all got to spend more quality time with him than ever before. He told me once that your life is summed up in different stories, well we knew how his story would end, but we just didn’t know when. So here we are, celebrating the final chapter in a life well lived…..And, we will always be proud to call him our father.
Aloha, Dad!
